Saturday, July 7, 2012
Gabriel
Gabriel was due to be born next week. I have been thinking about him a lot. I'm not sad, i feel more distant, or maybe since I've accepted it I know there isn't any point in being sad. Maybe it's because I know he is in heaven with Audrey. I've been thinking about him a lot lately but my emotions feel like a blank sheet of paper. My calendar has the due date marked on it and I'm not sure if I should remove it or just leave it. I'll just leave it because removing it is like saying he wasn't ever here and he was but just for a short while. Some times the devil tells me Gabriel is gone because i can barely handle the two i have, some times I believe him, especially the nights when both children are crying at the top of their lungs in bed not wanting to sleep just after i have screamed at them in such a horrible voice, a voice my daughter then begs me not to use, like tonight. That's when the devil show's me who I am and tells me i don't deserve love and then I get stuck looking at myself only. It is true what the devil points out, that I am an impatient mother, a selfish, controlling limited in love mother. However by the Grace of God I'm consoled that even though I am horrible that He loves me and He loves my children and He helps me get out of this hole, this fall i've taken so that i don't stay stuck in my own shit. He helps me up and reminds me that Christ came for me, the sinner and He gives me courage to continue and to go on. He will take care of me and my family and I have two beautiful little one's in heaven praying for me their mother, so I can continue the mission of being a mother. One day at a time, one day at a time.
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2 comments:
I don't have two children, so I don't know the struggle of that, but I do have one, and I have been there with the yelling before. I confessed that sin many, many times, and when I wake up in the morning, I pray for God to give me "grace in the moment." This is something I read about on Faith & Family Live blog. I pray that God will give me grace in the moment (that I need it) to *stop* when I am starting to feel myself get frustrated. ...To help me put things in perspective... To remember that there are more effective ways to communicate... To remind my son of the consequences should he fail to follow directions... to give him the benefit of the doubt...and to to be very firm when he doesn't meet his end of the bargain. Also, when he was very young and didn't understand consequences, I learned to give each of us breaks...and to lower my expectations at times. Sorry this is so long--I just ache for you reading how disappointed you are in yourself. Also, I haven't read up on your past history, but I seem to remember that having low progesterone can cause a person to be less patient/yell, etc. Maybe that could be a factor for you. Prayers for you!
thank-you! i do have low progesterone and a lot of lack of sleep!
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