Bulky Uterus

Happy Easter. Christ is Risen Alleluia!

This was such a busy easter for me. It was filled with both sorrow and joy. A good friend of mine's mother past away after suffering from cancer, it was really sad but at the same time joyful, what a weekend to pass away on! A time when we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. If I had a choice when to die it would definitely be Easter weekend. It was bittersweet, she is now in heaven celebrating with our Lord and all the angels and saints!

On another note and one more related to my title, I went to see Dr. T on Holy thursday for a follow up. It turns out my progesterone has gone down, I am now back to 2 shots twice a week instead of the one. I really wondered why she lowered the dosage if the two shots were doing their job. I'm upset at my body for not being able to produce its own progesterone. In addition to all this I asked Dr. T (who's my napro doc) to just give me the info/paper work she was going to fax to my family doctor (who would in turn fax it to the obstetrician when she sends in my referral) to me and I would take it to her. Well the paper work included details of the ultrasound I had when I was at almost 7 weeks. As I was reading over the examination results stated that my uterus is bulky and I have 3 fibroids, largest one measuring 4.5cm
I also have a "cyst of the corpus luteum" on my right ovary (the ovary the technician said ovulated the cycle I got pregnant).

I consulted Dr. Google (big mistake) and I remember reading something about surgeries done at around 2nd trimester to get rid of the cysts. Needless to say I'm worried, I'm trying not to stress and talking about the baby with family members and future planning makes me cringe because maybe I'm just doubting it will all be okay. I'm doubting mainly because my symptoms have largely subsided and I'm not sure if the progesterone is working. I didn't think all this was bothering me, I thought I was being hopeful but as I type this I can't help but cry. I haven't cried in a while but I see it's all bottled up inside. I'm avoiding the internet because it's too much right now, all is unknown and it's all out of my hands anyway. I wish I didn't worry so much. Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks. Sometimes I wonder if the baby is still there, this is just a horrible feeling I get and it's due to my lack of symptoms, and "all pregnancies are different " crap doesn't help because when my progesterone was up, I could barely keep food down, I was nauseous all the time etc... but now I'm just a walking zombie. I can't stand anyone around me I just want to lose myself in TV. I haven't been keeping up with my responsibilities at all. I lack the will to do anything, kind of like how I felt while waiting to be pregnant.

I was just thinking if the cyst on my right ovaries is "of the corpus luteum" then I wonder if that is where all my progesterone is gathering up instead of continuing it's journey to nourish my uterine lining which fails to have enough for my baby. OH gosh, I just need to pray more.

I know that easter just passed and it has served to bring me hope. It was a great reminder that God has a greater plan for me in this life. I need to give up my plans and allow Him to work in my heart, I need to trust in His will for me, even when I feel alone and abandoned. Jesus also felt abandoned on the cross and we know this when He said "why have you forsaken me" but despite the fact He felt abandoned He still did the will of His father He did not give up, He trusted God's love for Him and continued to obey and be faithful to the end. I too must trust that God has a great plan for me and I need to follow His will so that I too can rise from the dead, not just literally but spiritually.