I survived EP1!

I’m officially an FCP intern!!!

I don’t know how to put in words the feeling I have inside. The minute I walked in to the Center I felt completely right. I felt welcomed and that my being there was truly God’s work. I’ve never felt so certain in my life, not even on my wedding day did I feel so certain that this was in God’s plan. This has to be what God is calling me to do and I can say this because I have never experienced such motivation in my life. To able to have enough motivation to study day and night is a miracle for me on its own. I’ve never been the studious type, usually just making it through to get to the next level. However, with the standards being so high I studied so much. Usually, when I am away from my husband I miss him tremendously and end up calling him every night, but to be honest, I didn’t even have time to think about the guy. I was consumed by all of the knowledge being presented to me. I struggled through it all because I’m not that quick and so it took me a bit longer to grasp anatomy and physiology but God’s will prevailed!! The instructors where amazing, they were so self-giving and inspiring; it solidified my desire to be part of this great work. I met really great people there and made some great friends, they will be great FCPs!!
The place was beautiful and so calming (I'll post photos later)

My supervisor has a huge heart and it has made me realize how this work is truly a service to others. God has called me to serve the other, nothing new but yet it is for me!

I’m still anxious and worried because I have a lot of work to do to become a full FCP. I’ve got a whole year of studying that includes actually seeing clients (my biggest fear) and this is a little scary but I know God will provide and He will see me through it.

We had mass every day and receiving that sacrament really gave me the strength I needed to continue. I now realize that I will need to continue to be in constant communication and prayer with the Lord to help me in this work because I know if I don’t I will just end up doing it for selfish reasons and this can not happen if I want to be a good FCP. I think the fact that it felt like a retreat helped me to not feel the pressure that studying brings.

Thank-you to all who prayed for me as I’m sure God heard you!! J

My husband did the sweetest thing he had a gift waiting for me when I got home as a “congratulations” for passing! God has given me the husband that I need. And while he is not always easy and sweet, he is the one I need to get to heaven. So easy to love when someone is so good to you isn’t it? But we are called to love through it all and I realize I need to Lord to continue in my marriage and this life!

Despite the wonderful experience I’m still struggling and I see how the evil one is trying to take away this experience from me. I just found out my friend, that was married after me, who has an 8 month old, is pregnant again and I couldn’t help but be envious!! After all the gifts the Lord has just bestowed upon me I have the nerve to be envious and jealous of someone else? At EP1 last week we were given the opportunity to go to confession and I went mainly because I didn’t feel I needed it!! Anyway, the priest addressed my sin of jealousy and envy and he explained how God was calling me to something else and that I can’t despise the gifts He was given me. To embrace His will in my life and that if I do this I will receive the happiness I truly seek and not seek it where I think it is. I know this is easier said then done but I have to really lean on the Lord, not just say that I lean on Him. I can’t just say the “the Lord is my Sheppard, there is nothing I shall want” and then go ahead and want!!! I need to believe this in my heart otherwise I am just fooling myself. I also know that it is by God’s Grace alone that I will be able to actually live the words I pray.

I’m happy, I’m happy that I feel that I’ve answered God’s call for me to be part of this great work. At one of the masses held during EP1 a priest said in his homily that we are not only helping and serving the community by solving a moral problem society has (contraception etc…) but that our work also helps to heal the body. And when you heal the body you are also healing the mind and spirit. I was so moved by this and it helped me to further realize that this is God’s will right now!

One incident that did occur while I was at EP1 was that I kept having mucus throughout the cycle and as I kept learning more and more, I tried to diagnose myself. I was getting more and more anxious at the “possibilities” that I finally broke down and asked the instructor to please look at my chart to tell me what was going on with me. To tell you the truth I felt like I had given her the palm of my hand and asked her to read it and to tell me my future!! Anyway she was kind enough to sit with me and she looked over my chart willingly. I think they like looking at charts, especially complicated ones. Remember my 14 days of red stickers? The instructor said that most likely that was me miscarrying L that the continuous mucus that followed my cycle was due to stress in both body and mind (due to the miscarriage and to obvious EP1 stress amongst other issues). She said I should be on yellow stamps and that I should consider sending my chart to Dr. Hilgers. I had no response. I didn’t know her well enough to react so I internalized my reaction. The executive director of the Fertility Care centre I will be working with was present and she told the instructor (who is from the US) that for us to go there it would be $10,000 (and no coverage). She also mentioned that another couple from the centre ended up having to do the same and that is what they paid. Needless to say I said thank-you and went to my room and cried. I didn’t study that night I didn’t know what to do with this information, but I was glad to finally figure out why my body was so out of whack on this cycle it allowed me to move on and focus on studying. I still haven’t gotten my period yet, it has been a long pre-peak phase. I finally ovulated (or so I believe) while I was there and she (the instructor) instructed me to do the HCG injections and to avoid trying to conceive. Anyway, right now I await my menstruation, so far I’m on day 39 but my post-peak phase is 10 days which is the normal for me. Can you believe I’m hoping I’m pregnant this cycle?? HA HA HA Oh what hope does to you!!

I’m now struggling to maintain the happiness that the experience of EP1 gave me, of finally feeling so certain about God’s will and this is now hindered by my struggle of trying to not be envious and bitter of the fact that my body is really not capable on conceiving and hold a child without a miracle… but they all are miracles aren’t they?

I’m going to be posting less frequently and it’ll be hard to keep up-to-date because I’ve realized I waste a lot of time on the internet and I don’t end up getting my responsibilities around the house done. I now have to worry about my assignments and learning the Intro session by heart. I’m excited, truly excited to be an FCP and God willing I will get better!!

I leave you with a quote from my beloved Mother Teresa:

“Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness.”