I was just reading Finding Joy in Every Journey's post and it has really made me think.
It is true, ever since the begining of my IF struggle I haven't wanted IF to define me and my life. She is right it is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. However, I must remember that IF is a part of my life and not my whole life. A part of my life that serves to remind me that I am not the God of my life, that I must leave my life in God's hand and in doing so it will help me with the rest of the parts that make up my life.
I don't want to take all I have for granted anymore, I don't want to waste my life waiting to be happy. I know it's going to be a constant struggle and battle to not keep waiting to be happy, as the devil does decieve me in thinking that having a child will better my life. That this child will be the only happiness I will receive in this world and in turn the devil will have succeed in making me waste this precious life God has given me. I am sure God has not allowed me to be born to waste my life waiting for this one and only thing that will bring me happiness. I sometimes truly believe that this is it. This child is my only reason for being alive, for being married, but who am I to say this is the plan the Lord has for me? The fact that this may not be the plan the Lord has for me is very hard to accept. And so, this is my fight, the good fight of faith; to believe that God has created me to be happy and not to seek happiness in what I believe will bring it, but only to seek this happiness from the Lord alone. Imagine I have this child, I will then depend on this child to bring this happiness I think I deserve. I will end up sucking the life out this child as I project my hopes of happiness and love and depend on this child's affections to receive this happiness I seek. This is going to be harmful to my child.
My IF is for me to learn to Love the Lord, to put Him first always in my life and I haven't done that yet. That is why I have cried at someone else's joy of giving birth. That is why I can not be happy for the other, because I have not learned to lean and love the Lord as my one and true source of happiness and joy. As my one and only pillar, the stone that is the foundation of my life and happiness.
Therefore, this year, with the Grace of God I will resolve in putting the Lord first, before myself, before my desires, before my husband, before my family, before my friends. I only pray that I don't give up this fight that is a life long fight of putting the Lord first.
May the New Year bring you the Lord's Peace and may you be consoled in every struggle you face.
6 comments:
There is so much truth in this post and I know that it had to be very hard, but very freeing to put all of your thoughts down. Only God could have given you the grace to see that if you rely on a child to bring you happiness, you will in turn suck the life out of that child just projecting your hopes and dreams onto them. Since I have been on this journey of TTC for so long, I have had ample time to explore these issues, but I hate to say that it took me a long time to accept the way God revealed them to me. Kicking and screaming, I guess you could say. You have so much courage and the child who can call you "Mommy" will, indeed, be one blessed child.
God love you for being so honest! You are so right and I get it! I hope you feel empowered by this post, because you sure have empowered me.
God revealed that to you, but it sure resonated with me as well. You are so right! I never thought about me transferring my "supposed" happiness on a child. Right, my first born, that child would be screwed up forever! It makes me shake! Your wisdom of being able to see deception from the evil one makes so much sense!
We are thinking along the same lines today, so I will turn that corner with you!
Bless you for your wisdom and you are exactly right, we are fighting the good fight of faith!!
I have been thinking! Just as we are learning we can't transpose our dreams on God and force him to comply.
Nor can we transpose our dreams for our children on them. So maybe we can learn to let our children just be-and accept them for however God makes them.
Becaue we will know WE didn't make them that GOD did because WE tried but found out it wasn't up to us! and so maybe if we are blessed with children we will leave their live in the hands of God their father and not worry over them as much. :)
Accepting is so hard no matter what we are called to accept!! Or so I find anyway!!!
This post, and its comments, are great. I needed to hear this today, thank you.
Thank you for such an honest post. When you said you cry as others have children and don't feel their joy, it reminded me of something I found on another blog, somewhere, as I blog-hopped this week. It said something about when we are crying (at baby-showers, pregnancy news, etc...) they are not tears of pity, but of pain. It IS okay for us to suffer and feel pain, but I love how you put into perspective what we can do with those tears and where to direct our suffering. Thank you.
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