I'm the most stupidest person in the whole wide world. Why do I even think I have a shot to be and instructor/practitioner. :(
I hate this past cycle, I bled for 14 days straight and set a new record for myself. I'm on day 28 and only have had 3 green stickers this month, the rest have been white fake babies. I honestly wish that those babies weren't on the white stickers. They are a reminder of what could have, should have but didn't have, happened. I don't want to look at my chart anymore it hurts to see that i messed up so stupidly.
No one to blame but myself. How can I all of a sudden become so careless? I know I've been stressed as a result of other things going on in my life and maybe this is why. My marriage is okay it could be better though we are currently disagreeing on something I think is important and he doesn't see my point of view and it's so hard to be humble :( and die to yourself. I loved SEW's post, I really need to read that book. I have other worries in my life that I guess I should leave in the hands of God. I'm worried about work and about the course to come and what it would mean to be part of it. But are these really excuses to be careless with my charting?? NOOOOO! I thought I wanted a child so badly and now this, I'm setting my own self back, again.
My lining will be thin, but it doesn't matter because I probably didn't ovulate because of my lack of estrogen, or I did ovulate but maybe too late and not when I'm supposed. Oh I don't understand.
Again, thank-God I went to adoration because even though I've just cried about this, I'm still hopeful and patience is still around, a little faint but it's still here with me. The devil really want's me to loose my hope. He keeps taunting me with the plans I had set out for myself. The plan of having 5 children and how being 30 and still struggling with IF that those chances are gone and how God doesn't love me b/c He refuses to abide by my goals in life. I'm tempted to go this direction and feel anger and bitterness, but while I may be stupid at times, I'm not foolish enough to fall for this, not now anyway.
This past cycle will serve as reminder of my stupidity and I hope to learn from it. SIGH.
8 comments:
I love the heck out of you!
I was just coming over to tell you to go to Adoration! No, I am not your mother. This post was so funny, but I don't think it was supposed to be.
How beautiful that even though we chart and have everything perfectly down to the last "fake" baby sticker, we still need God. :)
I LOVE THE FAKE BABY STICKER! So funny!
The evil one wants you so badly to not go to EPI so if he just taunts you enough then maybe you will fail. But he has another thing coming. You got in too quickly for it to be an accident.
Would you have been able to use this cycle anyway with you being gone? don't you leave Jan 10th?
She says in the book no argument is worth risking intimacy with your husband. And it's not. But she shows you how and why you do what you do! Incredible! :)
I left my book at my Mom's. I bet if I told my husband I needed another book because mine is lost, he would go out and buy one for me. I kid you not! :) hahahaha I HAVE ISSUES! :)
you're being too hard on yourself! i know that i've made charting mistakes -- i've given myself my HCG injections early as well!
where do you go to adoration? my parish only has adoration on the first friday of the month (and the time wasn't even listed in the bulletin!). do we have anywhere in the GTA that has 24 hour adoration like in the US?
feel better, we all learn from our mistakes, right?
Oh, I'm so sorry you're having a rough day :( But you, my dear, will be a fantastic Practitioner! Everyone makes mistakes now and again, that's why even Practitioners have Practitioners. (I just called mine the other day for a question on my chart.)
I feel the same way about baby stickers sometimes. But when I feel that way, I look really closely at them and have to laugh... have you ever noticed how LOW the baby's eyes are on his face??! And the little tufts of hair on his forehead/face? That is one butt-ugly baby, if you ask me :)
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Our bodies are so tricky and this probably won't be the last time. Just think of Mary and Jesus giving you a big hug and telling you everything will be ok. Maybe there was a reason for this? I don't know but do know that it is in God's devine plan for you.
Sew you are so sweet honestly! :)
I do leave 10th (tomorrow) I've been busy with work staying overtime and finishing up a report that i still haven't finished. I had wanted to post about leaving and my worries but i haven't had the chance, not even to worry. I haven't even packed yet, it's going to be a long night :(
I'm only gone for 7 days! But everything happens for a reason right? I Just don't like my reason...ha ha ha. That book is so wise, yet it's so hard to put to practice!!! when i read your comment about no argument is worth risking intimacy i was like oops too late ;)
JB my parish has adoration all day long ( i just recently noticed, the observant person that i am)
there is also this place near Jane & weston. It's called the liturgical centre it has a christian store and it has a chapel that has the Blessed Sacrament opened from 10am to 5:30pm on weekdays.Once i have time i'll send you all info via email!! I'm trying to finish up some work related stuff and still pack and this is the result of procrastination!!
TCIE you are so right they are UGLY :) ha ha, I am feelinf a bit better, just anxious but i have the EPI to worry about more now...
Thanks for the words of encouragement FInding Joy :)
i have to go and do my yucky work assignment and i'm hoping i can finish it at a decent hour so i can pack for the EPI course. GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!
I can't tell you how much this post made me feel normal! You are not stupid. I am glad you are feeling better, I read your last post. I hope that the next cycle goes better for both of us! I pray that makes it so clear, we can't possibly miss our P day! I guess this is a good time to let our husbands review the charts with us every evening! Oh, what fun! Another thought I had was that this will help you be an even better instructor bc you can help others avoid or anticipate this exact occurance!
I get all confused with the stickers sometimes too or questioning if I'm making the right observations. Haaa! I've been charting 15 months. I wonder how many husbands out there are willing to read the charts with you and understand what you are talking about? My husband gets so lost...poor guy. I guess for us...this is MY department. My practioner asked us once (when we went to see her together in the beginning) if he looked at my mucus. We both looked at each other and said "Gosh no!" She said it would be great if he did. Not our thing to do. No Way! Whatever works for each couple I guess. Blessings to all!
Hi. I'm a first time poster. I just wanted to tell you that I don't think you're in any way stupid. I love your honesty and think you'll be a great instructor. I agree with Sew about the evil one. Those awful, way too hard on ourselves thoughts that go through our heads are never from God.
Praise God for so honestly writing my thoughts on the fake baby stickers! I avoided CrMS for a long time because of the baby stickers. Now I wished that I'd started CrMS 21 months ago when my pastor gave me the brochure. Oh well, all things in His time.
Post a Comment