This totally sucks. This past October, my Napro Dr., Dr. T, referred me to Dr. I to get another laparascopy done. My consultation with the Dr. I is scheduled for Dec 12, 2008. I was really upset that i have to wait 2 months to see Dr. I. I've just called Dr. I's office to confirm the consultation and I asked the receptionist how long after a consultation would it take to get the surgery scheduled. She then told me that I probably wouldn't get the surgery done till maybe end of Feb 2009 or March 2009!!!!!!!!!!
FEB OR MARCH OF NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!
I really wish i could scream at the top of my lungs, but i can't, I'm at work. I'm so upset, if there's one thing i don't have is patience, i don't want to wait anymore I'm TIRED of waiting. I'm so tired that it all depends on when the doctor has time. This is the most frustrating part of this whole process. I wanted this all done yesterday!! What am I going to do until then?? wait for a miracle ??? GOSH i need a miracle! I feel like I'm not really waiting for God on this one, rather I'm waiting for the doctor, which is just bad luck. I mean it's different on having no choice but to wait for God to work a miracle, but having a surgery done later rather then earlier is just bad luck. Why isn't he available? Why aren't there more doctors? My previous oby/gyn scheduled a Lap surgery for me right away! Why do i have to wait so long for this one??
It's so hard to admit to myself that this isn't going to happen on my time, on my terms. I feel like all talk now, even worse i feel like a hypocrite all hopeful and faithful sometimes and then all resentful and angry.
I just feel like my life is on pause until I get this child!!! I know this has to stop or I'll go insane. I can't sit here and wait anymore, it's frustrating and depressing. I need to move on, I need to do something and i don't know what. I know i need to pray more, and have more faith, but it's not easy. I'm so tired of going back and forth with having hope and faith to having no faith, little hope and not a pinch of patience!!!!
Sometimes i wish i didn't want a child. I don't like suffering like this, I wish i didn't have the desire to have children so that it wouldn't hurt so much.
Great now I've gone from angry to feeling guilty because i can't handle this cross. I now feel ungrateful for all the encouragement and support I've received so far.
I'm torn, becasue i want this so badly, but as i type this i feel as if there's someting inside me telling me that there is something wrong with me wanting this child so badly. Maybe I'm being selfish. I think I'm obssessed.
My heart hurts. I'm such a weak person. I wish i was more like St. John of the Cross...
Take care that you always choose not the easiest but the hardest;
not the most agreeable but the most disagreeable; ...
not what consoles but what deprives you of consolation; ...
not attachment to things but detachment from them.
Desire nothing but to enter for Christ into absolute nakedness, emptiness, and poverty...
If you want to possess all, you must desire nothing.
If you want to become all, you must desire to be nothing.
If you want to know all, you must desire to know nothing.
For if you desire to possess anything, you cannot possess God as your only treasure.
-Saint John of the Cross, from The Ascent to Mount Carmel
5 comments:
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I had to wait about 8 months for my first surgery (a year from the time I started charting) and then four months between my first surgery and my second. It's not easy. I pray that you can have peace with it, and that it goes by quickly.
i know exactly how you feel (and now i'm worried that it's going to take me just as long to get my referral since we have the same doctor).
perhaps we can start a laparascopy distraction club....
I am so pissed for you!!!!!! That sucks! I am so sorry! I truly understand the depth of your desires and this is absolute crap! That St. John prayer was perfect for this situation. You are apart of something bigger than yourself by being involved with Napro. Not much consolation, but without us as Napro patients, they will never be bigger than what they are now! Just think maybe in a few years, other women like us, won't have to wait so long, because of the demand. (I am still ticked) :)
Today I had the same attitude about waiting. I feel like all I do is wait! I stated charting in April 2007 and did not hear back from Dr. Hilgers office until Oct of that year. I will never forget how hard it was to take when I got word from them that I needed to wait until January of the following year to even schedule my first surgery. It was then scheduled in July of 2008 and then my second surgery was scheduled for September 2008. I had a tremendous season of waiting and I was not always doing it with a thankful heart, but please just know that the good days will come. It is only through faith that I believe this and I am believing this for you! Good days are coming your way and your waiting will be the highway to your brightest blessings!
Than-you ladies for the encouragement.
-JB I hope you don't have to wait so long. That laparascopy distraction club sounds like a good idea ;)
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