i can't sleep so i wrote instead

The HCG injections last cycle made my last cycle longer, I'm obviously ignorant of what the effects would be so when it came time for my period to start and it didn't it had me curious and hopeful, but then i decided to call my practitioner and she explained to me what the HCG injections would do to my cycle, now i understand why the last cycle was so long...so for a little while i had the idea that i might be prego but it would be a miracle b/c my tubes are so screwed up i wouldn't know how it would be possible but i had hope and was very disappointed when AF arrived! i hadn't felt the slight chance that i might be prego in a long while.

My cycle used to be 28-29 days, however ever since i started charting (about 6-7 months ago) my cycle has been 24-25 days long. With The first cycle of injections it went to 30 days, which has made my post peak longer( and this is a good thing according to my practitioner!) My practitioner did say that my next cycle which happens to be now should be better for me to conceive (of course that would still be a miracle since my scarred tubes issues still has not been fixed).

I guess what i'm really trying to say is, i hope i'm pregnant this month, i hope my body can handle it if i am and i hope i'm not too dissappointed when it doesn't happen. I got pregnant this same time last year so i can't help but think that maybe it'll work out the same and i'll be able get prego around the same time. Despite the fact that the odds are against me (b/c i just started the HCG injections and b/c of my scarred tubes) i am hopeful none-the-less. The thing is that i truly truly know that if God wanted me to have a child i would have had one already, but for some reason, which i'm slowly, and little by little (and i mean really little) i'm starting to understand why it is that i don't have one yet. I heard so many miracle stories and even witnessed some myself of couples getting pregnant even with their reproductive system being out of whack.

examples:

My sister for example had endo and who knows what else and she had to wait 4 and 1/2 years before God sent her children, she now has two and is pregnant with the 3rd. She's had major thyroid issues and which prevented her from getting pregnant with the 3rd and to their surprise God sent them a little angel.

A family friend got pregnant right away and when giving birth (as the baby was coming out) they saw that she had a lot of fibroids in her reproductive area and they had to operate on her right after birth! How did she manage to get pregnant to begin with was the question. Simple answer GOD wanted her to.

Co-worker's wife was diagnosed with PCOS was told she'd have a hard time getting prego, she then gave birth right away.

I guess really what i'm saying is this is where God wants me now, why, i'm not completely sure, sometimes it so that i can be a little selfless and as i've mentioned before maybe even learn compassion and practice some patience. Or maybe it's so that my husband and i can build a better relationship as a married couple. I must admit though on the tough days i think it's because maybe i don't deserve to be a mother, and who knows i don't think i deserve it as if it is my right as a wife to have children. I got married therefor i deserve children. This now brings me to something i read a while ago which i think you all suffering from infertility should read. (i've only copy and pasted, from the website a short excerpt but if one has the time it should all be read along with the humane vitae.

"Given at Rome, from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, February 22, 1987, the Feast of the Chair of St. Peter, the Apostle. by JOSEPH Card. RATZINGER - Prefect "

INSTRUCTION ON RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE IN ITS ORIGIN
AND ON THE DIGNITY OF PROCREATION REPLIES TO CERTAIN QUESTIONS OF THE DAY posted on the vatican website

8. THE SUFFERING CAUSED BY INFERTILITY IN MARRIAGE

The suffering of spouses who cannot have children or who are afraid of bringing a handicapped child into the world is a suffering that everyone must understand and properly evaluate.

On the part of the spouses, the desire for a child is natural: it expresses the vocation to fatherhood and motherhood inscribed in conjugal love. This desire can be even stronger if the couple is affected by sterility which appears incurable. Nevertheless, marriage does not confer upon the spouses the right to have a child, but only the right to perform those natural acts which are per se ordered to procreation.(57) A true and proper right to a child would be contrary to the child's dignity and nature. The child is not an object to which one has a right, nor can he be considered as an object of ownership: rather, a child is a gift, "the supreme gift" (58) and the most gratuitous gift of marriage, and is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents. For this reason, the child has the right, as already mentioned, to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents; and he also has the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.

Nevertheless, whatever its cause or prognosis, sterility is certainly a difficult trial. The community of believers is called to shed light upon and support the suffering of those who are unable to fulfill their legitimate aspiration to motherhood and fatherhood. Spouses who find themselves in this sad situation are called to find in it an opportunity for sharing in a particular way in the Lord's Cross, the source of spiritual fruitfulness. Sterile couples must not forget that "even when procreation is not possible, conjugal life does not for this reason lose its value. Physical sterility in fact can be for spouses the occasion for other important services to the life of the human person, for example, adoption, various forms of educational work, and assistance to other families and to poor or handicapped children".(59) Many researchers are engaged in the fight against sterility. While fully safeguarding the dignity of human procreation, some have achieved results which previously seemed unattainable. Scientists therefore are to be encouraged to continue their research with the aim of preventing the causes of sterility and of being able to remedy them so that sterile couples will be able to procreate in full respect for their own personal dignity and that of the child to be born."

There you have it, I don't have a right to a child, it's God's gift to me, no matter if i think i deserve it or not.

For me this is a reminder that God has a plan for my husband and i, and that right now we are being called to share in the Lord's Cross, to be a service to others, to have compassion and to come out of ourselves and help others (i'm still trying to see whom the other really is).
I only ask God to give us the strength and courage to continue in this calling for us. My husband and I can't do this on our own, but that's the thing, it really is Christ who is carrying our Cross, because He's already interceded for us, He has already died for me, and His death has been victorious! So i must fight the good fight of faith along His side because He has already won this for me, and by giving him this suffering along with all my sins i will indeed have eternal life right now, which is, to live today, happy in the midst of all my suffering.

I now see that It is when i stop looking up to the Lord for help that all of a sudden i drop to the depth of despair, but thank-God He picks me up time and time again. If i were only as faithful to the Lord as He is to me.