After playing phone tag with Dr. I's office (the Dr that will be doing my lap or tubal cannulation, which is yet to be decided, pending on my U/S) I finally managed to touch base and I get this response; "nope, nothing scheduled yet everyone is off!". I saw Dr. I on Dec 12. 08 and I haven't received and appointment yet?? Everyone has been off since then? My Napro Dr. T is waiting on this procedure before she decides what she will do with me...I'm scheduled to see Dr. T end of Feb now I doubt I'll even get an appointment with Dr. I, to perform which ever procedure he does decide to perform before end of Feb. In addition to that what if he does see a cyst? then I'll have to wait more months to get a Lap scheduled! SIGH! initially this morning when I talked to Dr. I's office I was okay a little upset but "out of my hands" type of emotion resonated. However, now after writing this i see I really only pushed my anxieties and restlessness or whatever it is i'm feeling, which is probably IMPATIENCE, away. I was only calling them initially to say that i'd be busy from Jan 10-17th because of the Practitioner Program (EPI) I was taking and all she (secretary) said was oh don't worry you won't be getting it that soon. PUNKS THEY ARE ALL PUNKS.
I was going to blog about how surprisingly calm i felt about the whole thing but as i'm typing this the frustrations i've pushed away are in there hiding boiling ready to explode, waiting for the perfect time for me to have a nervous breakdown. SIGH. I feel like I'm struggling with myself, it's like there's three different voices or people inside me telling me how to react. One, my good side, second my bad side, third the be indifferent don't feel anything side. Lately I've been finding it easier to push it away, which sometimes i may confuse as having faith, and who knows maybe it is so, but not really.
I was at my mom's and present there was my prego sis who is in town with her two kids and my bro with his three kids and my other sis(might i add younger sis) with her first. I felt overwhelmed, anxious and i couldn't hang out with them anymore this is the first time i feel like this with my own family around. To feel this envy b/c of them usually i'm happy for them :( . I was struggling inside and I find myself surprised to feel this since i was initially extremely excited to see my neice and nephew and my sis whom i haven't seen since october since she live 6 hours away. I had to get out. I can't hear her complain about her pregnancy, i keep telling her she should be happy and the funny thing is that my sis went through 4 almost 5 years of IF and yet she can still complain? SIGH. I should delete this post. I was supposed to write about how happy i was that i wasn't freaking out about the delay on the Dr.'s appointment and now i'm off on a rampage for what i didn't want to touch in the first place.
Honestly, i'm so grateful that i got into the Educational Program because that will distract me and take the focus off of "poor me" . I don't want to however feel that i'm doing this program for the distraction which I know it's not really why I want to be part of this great work.
Okay well i got to go. My best kept secret, which my DH only found out about when we got married is... i'm domestically disabled, my house is a mess (livable but disorganized) and i doge cooking when i can, oh yeah and i'm never home SIGH what would i do with a child anyway. :(
8 comments:
thinking of you and definitely sympathising with your last sentence. i am not going to say "don't make yourself nuts" because we all do - so try realizing that it's normal (but completely unreasonable :) ) to think that - i will pray for you tonight when i pray for all of us trying to get it together and face the new year.
Regardless, of how you intended that post to be, it allowed your some freedom to express yourself openly and without judgment. I for one, do the same thing all the time. I am sorry your time with your family was not what you envisioned. It is really hard to be happy and thankful for your family's fruitfulness when you are so tired of just sitting there with an empty basket in your hands. Don't mean to make you sad, but that was how I felt with my in-laws this year. No matter how much I prepare and psyc myself out for the encounters, my true emotions rise up and I clam up to be my mouth shut! It is hard and I pray that I can be thoughtful when it me when I want to complain about pregnancy pains. I do believe that will happen, but on a scale of 1-10, I am at a one today for being filled with faith on that one :) Happy day to you, may God bring you many gifts today that bring countless smiles to your face!
Maybe you needed to get that out so you could really deal with it. I think blogging about our frustrations is really theraputic. I hope it all works out and that you are able to have peace with it.
By the way, I think having pregnant sisters or siblings with kids is an especially heavy cross to bear. I'm not there yet, but my sister is getting married this summer and I am already fearing it. I think it will hit me hard.
i just got my referral to dr. i this morning (it only took a MONTH!!!!) and i had to phone back THREE times to talk to someone (first time i got hung up on, the second i was on hold for way too long and finally the third time i spoke to someone). i had to reschedule my first appointment because i have a meeting that i can't miss. now i have to take two afternoons off in two weeks --- i wonder if my principal is going to get suspicious?
don't be too hard on yourself when it comes to siblings and their babies. although i'm an only child, i have an incredibly fertile best friend and it seems like ALL my friends have babies. i've missed more than one even because i knew i couldn't handle being around such great fertility.
I think it's good you were able to express how you're feeling (even if you didn't really know how you were feeling until you started writing)! I'm sorry they're being punks. That's soooo annoying! And I'm sorry that Christmas was so rough. You'll be in my prayers! (By the way, I'm right there with you on the domestic stuff!)
Sometimes a good "blog rant" is just what we need to help us clear our heads and get out all the clutter that's in there. (I'm also completely with you on the domestic duties front. I try hard, but I have the 'pig pen' gene and not the 'june cleaver' one I guess.) Hope you're feeling better soon.
I can totally understand your frustration! I remember those horrible months of playing phone tag and being told WRONG, mis-leading info from the office people at my surgeon's office. I called in eary Sept '07, didn't end up getting surgery until April '08!! All because of the disorganization and misinformation given to me.
But it will all sort itself out and you will get where you need to be. In the meantime, you have an amazing EPI to look forward to- SO SOON! You'll love it. And you'll also be VERY busy right after it, getting 6 clients and whatnot.
You'll be in my prayers that you finally get that appt lined up.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
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